Pet Shaming Flood

[everythinglost]

* He's tried to pick up girls by putting on a Sean Connery impression
* He almost drank turpentine, after forgetting how to use an elevator
* He took five years to truly believe his best friend actually liked him
* He falls in love at first sight, constantly
* He trusted a girl in a cult because they had sex
* He's incapable of not finding the most unsuitable woman to sleep with
* He gave an Elder God a blowjob
* He spends most life or death situations contemplating his sex life
* He starts affairs to feel better instead of getting therapy
* He doesn't believe in therapy
* He's taken so many alien substances without pausing to think about it
* He trusted an assassin because they had sex
* He trusted an obvious spy because they had sex
* He dropped a guy into a combine harvester
* He reads Greek plays in hope of sex scenes
* He would jump into hell for the people he loves, with zero thoughts on what happens next
* He complains about adaptions of Arthurian mythology, at length
* He fell off a cliff because he was showing off
* He spends a lot of time thinking about his best friend while considering having sex with someone else
* He took a correspondence course in lock picking because he thinks it makes him look cool
* He trusted a suspicious time traveler because they had sex
* He introduced the concept of sex to a world of cartoons
* He went to a geology lecture solely to try to pick up the lecturer
* He's fallen into multiple large bodies of water, he still hasn't really learned how to swim