His expression darkens. "I understand it's easy to look at me and call my father a failure, but I assure you, it's not his fault."
He gives Fitz an icy look and explains, "He was already over fifty years old when I was born. He had no other children, no other hope of an heir. He wanted me to be a scholar, a researcher like himself, but instead I chose to chase war zones and test God. Do you think he was thrilled about that? Do you think he didn't try to control me or tell me 'no?' Do you imagine I was a particularly easy child to deal with? Do you think you'd do any better with such a child?"
He literally cringes, thinking about his past self.
"I just did what I wanted. There was nothing he could do about it, so he saw what he wanted to see because he loved me."
"Well, first off, I wasn't calling your father a failure because I'm looking at you. I said that it was fucked up for him to let a ten year old be a secret assassin for the Church. Which is true, no matter the rest of it. I mean, I don't think I'd do particularly well with a child, which is why I don't have any. There's a lot of responsibilities in having a kid, and I don't find 'having an heir' a compelling point."
In fact, he would list that as a fucked up reason to have a kid, personally.
"Being fucked up doesn't mean he didn't love you. Hell, I don't even think the fact that he constructed a version of you that wasn't overly accurate means he didn't love you, though I don't know if you'd agree with me on that one. Everyone does that, to greater or lesser extent."
"He didn't let me do anything." How many times does he have to explain? He just did it. If it wasn't more of a source of tension, it's because of the misunderstanding.
... And because Risei was a man of deep faith, who trusted God to keep Kirei safe. But he can guess what Fitz would say about that.
"As for whether or not he still would have loved me if he'd known the truth, I'll never know."
There's regret on his face, as well as slowly unspooling rage. He wanted to be the one to kill him. That was true during the breach, and it was true in real life too.
"If he'd gone to the Church and said 'I don't want my son doing this', or, even, 'I don't want my son doing this until he's fifteen', what would they have done?"
It's a genuine question, he can imagine a number of different responses, depending on time and place and number of secret murder branches the Church has.
"Also, just going back a moment, putting you aside, were are agreed that using 'normal' kids as assassins is wrong, right?"
"I can see a case being made for teenagers, depending on the culture and context, but short of truly desperate circumstances, ten seems way too young for that type of work."
Himself aside.
The other question is a little more complicated.
"The Church doesn't just rip children from the arms of their parents, if that's what you're wondering. They normally wouldn't want children as young as I was, but I proved myself by completing the training. After that, it was entirely up to me what I wanted to do. If my father had gone to them before that and said he forbid it, though? I honestly don't know. I can't even say for sure that he didn't."
"My father worked for one of the secret departments of the Church, so I always knew about magic and the supernatural. I was also born with magic circuits, which is considered special and a gift. Those of us who can summon the Black Keys are considered viable candidates for the training."
"You know, I take back what I said before. In that specific situation, I do think I'd do better with a kid. Because I would take them and leave the situation where they had access to not-secret-to-me torture training to kill people. And if I was important enough that the Church wouldn't want me to leave, that sounds like leverage to say, I think everyone can wait a few years until starting their career path."
A muted look of annoyance. He'd hoped they were done discussing Risei. Is this revenge for calling the Doctor evil?
"Once I figured out how to summon the Black Keys, I would have just run away and tried to do the training anyway." He wouldn't have wanted to cause conflict with his father—far from it—but at the time he'd been absolutely convinced that being an Executor was something he had to do, the only way to 'fix' his flaw.
"That was when I was eight. Before then, it probably didn't occur to him that it would be an issue anytime soon."
A gift, really, after all, there are few things as fun as trying to explain someone's actions to an outsider observer who's always ready to assume the worse.
"Did you say something about magic users generally growing up in environments that encouraged them to be the evil scourge that needed to be wiped out." Paraphrasing. "But it sounds like there were some issues on both sides of that one. So. What sort of magic can you do?"
Executors are supposed to be emotionless tools who care only for God and duty, but the reality is a disproportionate number are psychopaths who just want a thrill and an excuse to kill (and he's not sure whether he should put himself in that category or not). He also doesn't know if he would put them on quite the same level as the mages, but he can see where Fitz is coming from.
"I learned exorcisms and other 'cures' for supernatural ailments from the Church," he explains. "But there is also 'heretic magic,' which I learned from my teacher. Under him, I studied alchemy, spiritual evocation, summoning, divination, necromancy, and healing.
"That makes sense. It's like how a lot of surgeons are psychos. Detachment or something. I know the rest, but what's spiritual evocation? Because I thought that was summoning shit." But summoning is also n the list.
Is that it? He never thought of healing as about detachment. He thought it was supposed to be about reducing suffering—never mind that the type of healing he practices is actually a cursing technique that can cause excruciating pain.
"There's overlap, but spiritual evocation includes a lot more than summoning."
As far as he can tell, they're just split off into different subjects due to politics at the Clock Tower.
He shakes his head. "No, all that matters is that the ritual with the magic circle is done correctly. Mages in general aren't emotional people, so if you're wondering why I'm not better at other types of magic then it has more to do with the poor quality of my magic circuits and a lack of affinity to any of the common elements that spells are normally based on."
He looks at Fitz, still guarded lest he bring up Risei again.
"Nothing." He waves it off. "Anyway, along with the system sounding very questionable, not to knock healing, but it sounds like you aren't the best at magic."
"I'm really not trying to figure out what would be an acceptable reason to torture a child and then have them be an assassin, because that does basically cross the blatantly evil line, but it really doesn't sound like it was even worth it if your standards are that that's okay. Not to pull out utilitarian ethics, but I'm pretty sure it fails the test."
"The Church's magic and heretical magic are two entirely different magic systems. Executors use only very basic types of 'heretical magic.' The rest is Church magic: exorcisms and Black Keys, neither of which require natural talent to master. The Church's magic has a more powerful foundation than the heretical ones, so there aren't the same issues of birth and pedigree. I rose through the ranks of the Executors quickly, not that it matters."
He's never given a damn about utilitarianism.
"I didn't study 'heretical magic' in depth until much later, as an adult and for reasons entirely unrelated to my work as an Executor."
"That's magic systems for you. A real headache in every respect." And he doesn't care enough about them to try to push through that and figure out the bits that confuse him.
He leans back against the rail, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He feels his point has been solidly proved.
He doesn't smoke, and though his blood-drenched career as an Executor and his father's misunderstanding is a source of deep shame, it's not enough to make him start such a bad habit. It's clear his spirits have flatlined, though.
How did this happen?
He was caught off guard by the mention of the breach and Risei. He'll have to be more prepared next time.
Why does Fitz look so smug? It's kind of annoying. Does he think he's forgotten the original subject?
He almost opens his mouth to say something, but no. He doesn't feel like talking anymore, for some reason.
"I should get back to the chapel, actually. It was good seeing you, though."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 05:25 am (UTC)He gives Fitz an icy look and explains, "He was already over fifty years old when I was born. He had no other children, no other hope of an heir. He wanted me to be a scholar, a researcher like himself, but instead I chose to chase war zones and test God. Do you think he was thrilled about that? Do you think he didn't try to control me or tell me 'no?' Do you imagine I was a particularly easy child to deal with? Do you think you'd do any better with such a child?"
He literally cringes, thinking about his past self.
"I just did what I wanted. There was nothing he could do about it, so he saw what he wanted to see because he loved me."
His voice is filled with misery and disgust.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 05:39 am (UTC)"Well, first off, I wasn't calling your father a failure because I'm looking at you. I said that it was fucked up for him to let a ten year old be a secret assassin for the Church. Which is true, no matter the rest of it. I mean, I don't think I'd do particularly well with a child, which is why I don't have any. There's a lot of responsibilities in having a kid, and I don't find 'having an heir' a compelling point."
In fact, he would list that as a fucked up reason to have a kid, personally.
"Being fucked up doesn't mean he didn't love you. Hell, I don't even think the fact that he constructed a version of you that wasn't overly accurate means he didn't love you, though I don't know if you'd agree with me on that one. Everyone does that, to greater or lesser extent."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 04:06 pm (UTC)... And because Risei was a man of deep faith, who trusted God to keep Kirei safe. But he can guess what Fitz would say about that.
"As for whether or not he still would have loved me if he'd known the truth, I'll never know."
There's regret on his face, as well as slowly unspooling rage. He wanted to be the one to kill him. That was true during the breach, and it was true in real life too.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 05:14 pm (UTC)It's a genuine question, he can imagine a number of different responses, depending on time and place and number of secret murder branches the Church has.
"Also, just going back a moment, putting you aside, were are agreed that using 'normal' kids as assassins is wrong, right?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 10:08 pm (UTC)Himself aside.
The other question is a little more complicated.
"The Church doesn't just rip children from the arms of their parents, if that's what you're wondering. They normally wouldn't want children as young as I was, but I proved myself by completing the training. After that, it was entirely up to me what I wanted to do. If my father had gone to them before that and said he forbid it, though? I honestly don't know. I can't even say for sure that he didn't."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 10:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 10:43 pm (UTC)"And this whole assassin stuff is secret, right. So how did you learn about the training?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 10:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-24 11:37 pm (UTC)"Once I figured out how to summon the Black Keys, I would have just run away and tried to do the training anyway." He wouldn't have wanted to cause conflict with his father—far from it—but at the time he'd been absolutely convinced that being an Executor was something he had to do, the only way to 'fix' his flaw.
"That was when I was eight. Before then, it probably didn't occur to him that it would be an issue anytime soon."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 12:01 am (UTC)"Did you say something about magic users generally growing up in environments that encouraged them to be the evil scourge that needed to be wiped out." Paraphrasing. "But it sounds like there were some issues on both sides of that one. So. What sort of magic can you do?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 12:53 am (UTC)"I learned exorcisms and other 'cures' for supernatural ailments from the Church," he explains. "But there is also 'heretic magic,' which I learned from my teacher. Under him, I studied alchemy, spiritual evocation, summoning, divination, necromancy, and healing.
"Healing is the only one I have any talent for."
He frowns, aware of the irony.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 12:59 am (UTC)"That makes sense. It's like how a lot of surgeons are psychos. Detachment or something. I know the rest, but what's spiritual evocation? Because I thought that was summoning shit." But summoning is also n the list.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 01:44 am (UTC)"There's overlap, but spiritual evocation includes a lot more than summoning."
As far as he can tell, they're just split off into different subjects due to politics at the Clock Tower.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 01:47 am (UTC)"If you say so. I can never keep track of magic. When you're summoning something, are you supposed to put emotion into it?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 02:42 am (UTC)He looks at Fitz, still guarded lest he bring up Risei again.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 02:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 04:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 04:25 am (UTC)He stares. Fitz is the robot, according to the other Fitz.
But anyway-
"That's putting it mildly. My abilities, save for in healing, are entirely mediocre. It's to be expected, given how magic works in my world."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 05:00 am (UTC)"The Church's magic and heretical magic are two entirely different magic systems. Executors use only very basic types of 'heretical magic.' The rest is Church magic: exorcisms and Black Keys, neither of which require natural talent to master. The Church's magic has a more powerful foundation than the heretical ones, so there aren't the same issues of birth and pedigree. I rose through the ranks of the Executors quickly, not that it matters."
He's never given a damn about utilitarianism.
"I didn't study 'heretical magic' in depth until much later, as an adult and for reasons entirely unrelated to my work as an Executor."
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 05:06 pm (UTC)"That's magic systems for you. A real headache in every respect." And he doesn't care enough about them to try to push through that and figure out the bits that confuse him.
He leans back against the rail, pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He feels his point has been solidly proved.
"Do you want one?"
no subject
Date: 2022-09-25 06:54 pm (UTC)He doesn't smoke, and though his blood-drenched career as an Executor and his father's misunderstanding is a source of deep shame, it's not enough to make him start such a bad habit. It's clear his spirits have flatlined, though.
How did this happen?
He was caught off guard by the mention of the breach and Risei. He'll have to be more prepared next time.
Why does Fitz look so smug? It's kind of annoying. Does he think he's forgotten the original subject?
He almost opens his mouth to say something, but no. He doesn't feel like talking anymore, for some reason.
"I should get back to the chapel, actually. It was good seeing you, though."
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