IC Inbox

[everythinglost]

Call for a good time

Comments

[everythinglost]

"Say feigning a few more times, it's good for the soul."

And that is one of the ways that provides pleasant possibilities to get off track, openings Pagan doesn't seem to want to take despite Fitz still not seeing what he gets from this conversation. Still, he seems determined to have it, so Fitz tries his best. Even if he's skeptical about the whole thing.

He leans in again, focused on Pagan. There are times he's tired, too. Well, there are lots of times he's tired, for a range of reasons so wide it's almost, but not quite, interesting. But there are times when his style of 'relationships' makes him tired. He remembers sitting in a hospital room, not so long ago, trying not to think of the monsters lurking right outside and unable not to think of regrets. You can't pretend not to care forever. But this isn't that sort of wasted opportunity, it's a different situation.

"Maybe it's a little messy. It's hard to keep things totally neat. But it's just -" An escape, a way to be close without going too far, something to do because even Fitz has to sometimes get closer to sober. All true, but probably not the best answer. "I think we're all tired. What do you need, Pagan?"

[crab_rangoon]

He doesn't like where this conversation has gone, but he takes it as punishment for bringing it up in the first place. If he had simply let it be, then he wouldn't be sitting here, having possibly the first really deliberate conversation of his life with his man. And is that better, when he knows that part of his problem is relationships?

He sighs.

What does he need? Seems like an easy answer, but it's far from it. He needs to graduate. He needs his daughter back. He needs to go home and fix everything.

How is this going to get him there?

He takes a breath, watching him.

"I need you to tell me what you feel, hm? And we'll go from there."

[everythinglost]

Fitz tries to think if there's anything about this conversation he doesn't hate. It's good to have something to drink. But he can have something to drink without having awful conversations, so that's a weak attempt at trying to find a positive. Admittedly, trying to find the positive usually isn't something he spends a lot of time on, so he's probably out of practice. Still, he's sure that no one could enjoy this.

Maybe there's a point to not hooking up with someone you're stuck on a boat with, because that makes just diving for the door (the best possible response), awkward. On the other hand, he wouldn't actually do that even if there was a whole city or planet to hide in.

He doesn't have any problems with relationships. But that does mean that when the people he likes ask him for things, it's only right to try to answer. And there's nothing wrong with liking Pagan. It would be worse to hookup with someone he doesn't like. And Fitz likes people. He likes having friends. He likes contact. He doesn't see any need to analyze things that don't have anything to analyze. And he doesn't know what Pagan's looking for, which makes coming up with an answer even harder.

He takes another drink.

He doesn't have any problem talking about what he feels. In situations where you feel things. Like when you're being chased by monsters or locked in a dungeon or enjoying a nice cake. He has lots of feelings that he can express very eloquently. For example, right now he feels deeply uncomfortable. Sometimes he has a positive feeling for a person, sometimes it's a negative one. He's pretty sure he's already covered this.

"Well, I feel kind of weird right now, but I think that's kind of circumstances, don't you? We're friends. I've always thought it's nice to be with someone you know a bit, someone you can talk with. I generally hope things go well for you," there are occasionally exceptions. He shrugs, finishing his glass. "I don't think it's that complicated."

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan regards him for a long moment before standing up and refilling his own glass. And, in that moment, it gets clear. "You know, I told someone once that women love you in the moment. Men love you in hindsight. Only when too much time, or too much distance, has built up can they really mean it." He laughs a bit at himself.

"I can admit my own flaws sometimes, I think. Overcompensating when there was absolutely no need to." He leans over and puts a hand on the other man's cheek gently. It's clear to Pagan now that he had been chasing something that wasn't there. Or at least something that can't be there yet. Something that he desperately wants, but he's never had. And Fitz certainly can't give him that.

And as amusing as it is to continue making him squirm, looking uncomfortable, he knows he can release him now. "Well, that certainly solves everything, doesn't it?" His smile is warm. "I would hate to lose you as a friend and I'm afraid that you might spontaneously combust on me now if I continue to press you on the matter. So we'll call it friends, but I'm afraid we'll need to cut the benefits? Hm? Deal?" He holds out the bottle for him.

[everythinglost]

"Yeah, well, you do talk a lot of shit sometimes, Pagan. I've always thought it's one of the reasons we're friends. I've been told it's actually about socialization, but it seems like they stick almost everything under socialization in the future. I can only hope it's not all true."

He's a lot more relaxed, now that that's over. As relaxed in himself as he ever gets. It leaves Pagan's motives unclear, but in the way Fitz likes: unclear because he carefully isn't going to think about it. Things are better that way.

He takes the bottle raising it in salute.

"Friends. Which, I'll say just this once, is not something that needs a conversation." A person could just say it, no further 'talking' needing to be involved at all. He grins at Pagan, cheerful now that he can start putting that far behind him, and warm with his genuine affection. "And there's no need to ditch someone as a friend unless you start talking about the wonders of sobriety."

[crab_rangoon]

He clutches at his heart. "Why would you say such a thing?" he mutters. "Sobriety? God. My warden doesn't drink, you know? And hey, that's fine for him. It means he keeps a bottle of wine in his room just for me. Or he did, before I drank it all."

He laughs, crossing his legs, feeling much better. Freer.

Is this growth?

Pagan doesn't want to inspect it too closely. "He also lets me use his cabin to watch Gordon Ramsay."

[everythinglost]

"Hey, not drinking is fine. Talking about not drinking is a cruel tactic for making people flee when you could just throwing bricks at them or something else more civilized. It's important to keep up personal standards."

Now they're not talking about stuff Fitz would rather never be talked about, he feels great. That's one thing to be said for extreme discomfort, even if he'd rather avoid it altogether.

"That's one of those cooking shows, right?"

[crab_rangoon]

"It is. You should join us one day. It's absolute trash. He goes to restaurants that are rubbish and tells them exactly how rubbish they are. And then makes him change by yelling profanities at them for an hour."

Pagan laughs and leans back. "It's great fun."

[everythinglost]

"That sounds like a lot of fun. As long as the profanities are creative enough." Whatever people think, he has standards. "I always enjoy cooking shows, most places you go you can usually pick one up and no matter how weird it is, just need a couple minutes before you can start confidently judging people for failing to do stuff you would never bother with. House shows are also pretty good, but those I like to have more background with the cultural shit to be absolutely sure that they're as appalling as I know they always are."

He shakes his head.

"Fun outside barbeque and large patio for people to gather in pure white. These people are insane."

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan takes another drink, scoffing. Creative. Gordon Ramsay is the master. But he doesn't say a word about it.

He just brushes his fingers through his hair and crosses his legs.

"House shows? What the fuck is that?"

[everythinglost]

"You have to know! You know, the ones where they start out where these people have a house that probably has some issues or whatever but is a place that people would live, and for a mere few thousand dollars they turn it into a total nightmare."

He takes another drink, thoughtful.

"I suppose those shows where the worst people ever try to find just the right place for them to live also count. Those are also great."

[crab_rangoon]

"Oh! Yes. The ones where they turn the house into a place that is absolutely unsuited for habitation or, at the very least, too expensive for the poor saps living in it?"

He laughs. "I gave up on those. Their taste is atrocious. One time I saw them turn this beautiful cottage into the blandest tribute to Western beige trends that I've ever seen."

[everythinglost]

"That's exactly it!" He'd been almost certain that they had to overlap with Pagan's time. "I saw this one where this couple had inherited a decent sized place out in the woods and near this really pretty lake so they rented it during the summer months. A hundred dollars a something - obviously, I wouldn't have paid that much to rent a place, because that's what breaking an entering are for, and there were some weird design choices but it was a place human people would chose to stay for a nice vacation and even maybe like that they could go 'oh hey remember that place with that really ugly rug that was out by the lake?' And then the TV people were like 'we shall transform this into a place that you can rent for much more money. Let me just say, maybe the benefit is that I'd think a bit about whether I'd want to even break and enter to stay a night. Even if the other option was the woods. Absolutely hideous."

He shakes his head, snickering at the memory.

"Best replacement for horror films I've found. Cooking shows are generally more entertaining, and involve more swearing at people on screen, but that moment when they present the house, now 'fixed'..."

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan is absolutely tickled by this description. Now that the awkwardness is behind him, now that there's no strangeness, Pagan knows he's a little looser with his amusement. A little freer with his laugh.

Or maybe it's the alcohol.

"Jesus Christ. I do remember one where they brought the poor lady inside the home and she cried. And not tears of joy, either. Cried tears of hysterics because they used all of her least favorite colors! No one bothered to ask her. She made it as far as the washroom before she was sobbing!"

[everythinglost]

"You could see these people's wonder. Four hundred dollars a month instead of a just a hundred! A whole new world opening up! And then the designer guy just winds up and fucking punches through one of their walls. It was amazing."

Alcohol combined with a release of tension is a very pleasant combination.

"Ha, yes, the ones where they show the poor owners around afterwards and it's watching their increasing despair... The ones who manage to keep up a brave face are pretty good too. Gets to be like a dare, who'll break first on all white carpeting being what you want for every room in a house."

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan laughs again, letting himself just enjoy the moment. "Alright, it's settled. You and I need to take over Lark's cabin one evening. We'll just watch them for a while. It's better than the common room because no one bothers us. Unless it's Steve or the guy with the metal arm. Sometimes Anita."

And he's pretty sure he can get Anita to join in, even if she also won't drink with them.

[everythinglost]

Fitz raises his bottle in salute to that plan. "Definitely not as able to be bothered as in a common room, but he does let people just wander through. I suppose having another cabin to go to helps for that. Which one is Anita?"

[crab_rangoon]

"The vampire slayer!" he laughs. "But yes, he uses that cabin as a place for inmates to come and go. His little pet inmates, like me! Who would like to take showers in private."

[everythinglost]

"For all I know, half the people here could be vampire slayers. This could actually be an anti-vampire slayer prison. That could be what gives the Admiral that smug git vibe." He's not a huge fan of vampires. "That sounds nice. The showers here aren't bad and I've had worse privacy situations but showers where people have been killed automatically lose points."

[crab_rangoon]

"This is why you need to make friends with wardens or fuck wardens. Or...both, I suppose. Either way, you get showers."

He grins. "Try it."

[everythinglost]

"Oh, I definitely do both. Though the second can be a bit trickier 'cause of all the ones who are in 'relationships'. Which is too bad because you can comment either way, but it's easier to get someone to change their shower around if you're having sex. I just get lazy. And there's no warden on my floor I'd fuck."

Thinking about this is the whole reason he has any clue who's on his floor.

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan regards him with a look. "Which wardens are you fucking, Fitz?" he laughs.

Who would be that stupid?

Which Pagan does not regard as a self-burn.

[everythinglost]

"Taura."

Who he thinks is pretty great, but would still agree that dating him isn't the best idea. For many reasons. But people make worse decisions everyday. He smiles, fondly.

"She has a great shower."

[crab_rangoon]

Taura. The tall one that isn't quite human. Got it.

"I'll keep that in mind," he laughs. "Though I don't think I want to get that invested in wardens. Mine is good enough."

He is not thinking of Kiryu in that moment. Almost as if blocking the whole breach nonsense out. "At least the Brew is in there. That's all I give a shit about. Somewhere quiet."

[everythinglost]

"I find it's usually easy not to even find out. Except for the ones that are 'assigned' to me, but those ones always fuck off." Giving him everything he wants. Fitz doesn't have anything against wardens, as a group, except when related to part of their function as a group.

"Yeah, that lady - Tess - mentioned that. In this prison, I don't even question that it'd probably stay pretty quiet. But if I'm not dedicated to the noble pursuit of getting blackout in my room, I like a little noise when I'm drinking."