"Extended relations are a nightmare. And then you're not allowed to say that, even if they've been shouting at each other for the last three hours. I think there's actually quite a bit to be said for not having people who've known you from childhood." People who've known him for only a few years already have more than enough ammunition.
"Do you think it's been good, overall? The cop thing."
"Actually, yeah. I won't say there's not some bad bits -- and not just having to butter up the brass; you see a lot of dead bodies in my line of work and some of 'em might be dead because you fucked up. Long hours, tough to keep a relationship going with anyone who's not working the same job. Lots of paperwork and after you arrest the bad guy it's out of your hands whether actual justice gets done.
"But it's a job where your decisions make a real difference. You're out there meeting people on their worst day and getting them to the other side of it. You get to make sure that everyone gets a fair shot at justice, and everyone can access the protection of the law against those who hurt them. I'll do a lot of ass-kissing to make sure I can keep doing that if I have to," he adds, with a half-smirk.
It's possible he hasn't gotten over his childhood idealism at all.
Fitz squints at him for a few moments, before shaking his head. "Possibly it's the personal lack of idealism - or morals, but I don't how all you people who're into those sorts of things can just say shit like that."
"Just because the world's shit doesn't mean you can't work to make it slightly less shit," Yunlan says, smirk widening into a crooked smile. "Is that better?"
"I wouldn't say I don't care what happens after I leave," Yunlan says, considering the question. He slumps deeper into the chair and hitches one leg up over the arm of it to swing his foot more freely. "Just that every one of us does what we can with what we have where we are at the time. So that's my grand ambition! Do that little bit of good -- do my job well.
"And if there's a lot to keep working on, I'll try to set someone up to take it over when I've got to go."
"I hope that's written on a poster somewhere in your office. Make sure people make motivated and on task." Yunlan's questionable ability to sit on a chair properly is often a little comforting. Brings back pleasant memories of a number of friends who hadn't believed in the tyranny of sitting on things like a normal person.
"That's one of the problems with the big self-sacrifice play, in my opinion. Say you're out there, doing that little bit of good, doing your job like an overly driven, somewhat controlling bastard who probably spends way too much time at work. I mean, doing the job well. Then the dramatic moment comes and a sacrifice is necessary 'cause otherwise no one's doing anything, but when the pieces settle, there's a future again but lacking a someone into repeatedly trying to help."
"Eh, it's too long for a good slogan! I usually stick with 'Do your damn job.'"
He swings his foot absently, half-tied shoelaces dangling in a way that would've dragged his cat out from under the bed with murder in her heart. Luckily, Fitz doesn't seem to host any murderous feline roommates.
"And... that's what planning ahead is for, you know? If you've got a whole world-saving organization set up but it'll fall apart if the guy running it gets hit by a bus, or, say, takes a bullet for whatever reason, that's not much of an organization."
He shrugs, smiling crookedly. He can't deny the 'controlling bastard who spends too much time at work' line: it's featured in one too many break-up speeches to be fully doubted.
"It sounds like you and Anji and the Doctor have kind of a tiny band of heroes routine going?"
He slumps down further in his chair, picking at the label on the now empty bottle of fruit juice.
"It's not like that." It's hard to try to explain what it is like, but sometimes it's worth the effort to try to make someone understand. Even if they don't understand all of it. "The Doctor's a hero, but it's in being, not action. He does a lot of heroic stuff, too, but he has that presence when just hanging around. Like a hero from the old stories, where it's not about good or bad, but that his actions are just - bigger. And Anji generally gets into doing the right thing because of morals, and because she gets irritated at people not meeting standards. But the 'routine' is just a few friends, traveling."
"Mm." His foot keeps moving restlessly. "Well... you know, I'm kind of against the whole dramatic self-sacrifice routine myself. I won't deny I'm into that whole helping out and doing what's right bit, but I'd prefer to work things so the world sucks a little less and I still get to live in it."
With his team, and the people he loves, ideally. He tilts his head to give Fitz a sidelong glance.
"Seems like you wind up getting into helping out with whatever the Doctor needs done a lot yourself? Just based on some of those stories you've told me."
Overall, Fitz has nothing against dramatic self-sacrifice - as long as it's not someone he likes. It's a good story, and he likes good stories. Some people are more valuable in death, or, at least, their deaths don't deprive the world of that much. Personally, he's almost died for the world a few times, and is happy to have (mostly) not died from it, for purely selfish reasons.
"Sure, he needs someone he can trust. You can fill in the blank with your own joke about his questionable standards."
"If he's looking for someone he can trust, I don't think he could do better," Yunlan says casually. "I'm just saying, if you three are all out there changing worlds and changing history, 'heroes' might just apply.
"I don't think you only get to count as one if you're larger than life. It's more about what you do, you know? And I've totally forgotten where we were going with this conversation," he adds.
"Plenty of people wouldn't agree with you. Most of them didn't even meet me in prison. And hero is all about other people's subjective opinion. What you do might be objectively good or bad," though he's making a real concession in saying that, "But heroism is a construct."
He shrugs. "Don't ask me, I never go anywhere with conversations." He flicks a rolled up piece of label at Yunlan. "Only one of us here goes around having ulterior motives about things."
"Well that's just a lie," Yunlan laughs, raising a hand to defend himself against the flying label chunk. "It's just that your ulterior motive is usually the baffle 'em with bullshit variety. And I just meant that nobody who's talked to you for five minutes'd think your loyalty to the Doctor is ever in question."
"That's not an ulterior motive, it's a lifestyle." It's like lying, he doesn't think it can be called for an ulterior motive if it's just an automatic response. "Practically everyone's loyal to something." Loyalty to the Doctor drives many of his actions, but, more than that, it's a fundamental part of who he is. The only part of himself he trusts in. That makes it something he wants people to know, yet, for reasons he couldn't articulate, sometimes finds difficult to acknowledge when it's pointed out.
"It's still an ulterior motive even if you don't have a long-term plan for it, Fitz," Yunlan assures him. "And you know how I know you're really, truly loyal to him?"
He points a dramatic finger without bothering to sit up from his boneless slouch, waiting for Fitz's answer.
Fitz stares blankly at him for a long moment, the question distracting him from disagreeing on the principle of enjoying pointless debates. How you can know if someone's actually loyal to something or not isn't something he tends to think about.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 03:02 am (UTC)Awkward sibling fights between your parents and their brothers or sisters would probably have livened up his teenage years, but not in a good way.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 03:15 am (UTC)"Do you think it's been good, overall? The cop thing."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-02 01:28 pm (UTC)"But it's a job where your decisions make a real difference. You're out there meeting people on their worst day and getting them to the other side of it. You get to make sure that everyone gets a fair shot at justice, and everyone can access the protection of the law against those who hurt them. I'll do a lot of ass-kissing to make sure I can keep doing that if I have to," he adds, with a half-smirk.
It's possible he hasn't gotten over his childhood idealism at all.
no subject
Date: 2022-06-03 04:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-03 01:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-03 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-03 08:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-04 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-04 01:57 pm (UTC)He finishes off the weird juice with one last gulp and leans back into the chair, eyeing Fitz.
"But that doesn't mean making somebody's life a little better doesn't matter."
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Date: 2022-06-04 06:15 pm (UTC)"Maybe it matters, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing. One day of your life being better can make the rest worse."
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Date: 2022-06-04 08:05 pm (UTC)He hitches up one shoulder in a little shrug.
"I mean, you can try, but that way lies madness and getting burned out as fuck.."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-21 07:24 pm (UTC)"It's not like I really care what happens when I leave. I'm not the one in this - whatever 'this' is, to make people's lives better."
If he has nothing else, he can always have his claims not to care.
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Date: 2022-06-21 07:38 pm (UTC)"And if there's a lot to keep working on, I'll try to set someone up to take it over when I've got to go."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 07:04 pm (UTC)"That's one of the problems with the big self-sacrifice play, in my opinion. Say you're out there, doing that little bit of good, doing your job like an overly driven, somewhat controlling bastard who probably spends way too much time at work. I mean, doing the job well. Then the dramatic moment comes and a sacrifice is necessary 'cause otherwise no one's doing anything, but when the pieces settle, there's a future again but lacking a someone into repeatedly trying to help."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 08:32 pm (UTC)He swings his foot absently, half-tied shoelaces dangling in a way that would've dragged his cat out from under the bed with murder in her heart. Luckily, Fitz doesn't seem to host any murderous feline roommates.
"And... that's what planning ahead is for, you know? If you've got a whole world-saving organization set up but it'll fall apart if the guy running it gets hit by a bus, or, say, takes a bullet for whatever reason, that's not much of an organization."
He shrugs, smiling crookedly. He can't deny the 'controlling bastard who spends too much time at work' line: it's featured in one too many break-up speeches to be fully doubted.
"It sounds like you and Anji and the Doctor have kind of a tiny band of heroes routine going?"
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 08:55 pm (UTC)He slumps down further in his chair, picking at the label on the now empty bottle of fruit juice.
"It's not like that." It's hard to try to explain what it is like, but sometimes it's worth the effort to try to make someone understand. Even if they don't understand all of it. "The Doctor's a hero, but it's in being, not action. He does a lot of heroic stuff, too, but he has that presence when just hanging around. Like a hero from the old stories, where it's not about good or bad, but that his actions are just - bigger. And Anji generally gets into doing the right thing because of morals, and because she gets irritated at people not meeting standards. But the 'routine' is just a few friends, traveling."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 09:04 pm (UTC)With his team, and the people he loves, ideally. He tilts his head to give Fitz a sidelong glance.
"Seems like you wind up getting into helping out with whatever the Doctor needs done a lot yourself? Just based on some of those stories you've told me."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 09:54 pm (UTC)"Sure, he needs someone he can trust. You can fill in the blank with your own joke about his questionable standards."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 10:28 pm (UTC)"I don't think you only get to count as one if you're larger than life. It's more about what you do, you know? And I've totally forgotten where we were going with this conversation," he adds.
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Date: 2022-06-22 10:35 pm (UTC)He shrugs. "Don't ask me, I never go anywhere with conversations." He flicks a rolled up piece of label at Yunlan. "Only one of us here goes around having ulterior motives about things."
no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 10:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-06-22 10:58 pm (UTC)He points a dramatic finger without bothering to sit up from his boneless slouch, waiting for Fitz's answer.
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Date: 2022-06-22 11:05 pm (UTC)"...No?"
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Date: 2022-06-22 11:23 pm (UTC)That's the sign of a really genuine Fitz emotion.
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