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[everythinglost]

Call for a good time

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[crab_rangoon]

Pagan watches him closely, tapping his chin once. "Morals and values, hm? Well, he had no shortage of those. Or at least what he considered those. Still, the man I was had an interesting sort of relationship with him."

He leans forward slightly.

"Which leads me to us."

God, he hates this.

[everythinglost]

"A strange collection, at times, but they were important to him." Calling it 'an interesting sort of relationship' is certainly technically accurate.

"Oh?" Not words he'd ever expected from Pagan, honestly.

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan takes a drink and pushes his hair from his face, watching him. "Honestly, my boy, this is something we should have talked about a long damn time ago. But we certainly are overdue for it. And what better time to do it than after a goddamn breach when we're not quite ourselves?"

When Pagan is still reeling from the high of it and doesn't yet feel himself.

[everythinglost]

"That's fair, I've always thought most things are best talked about when not quite yourself."

For example, when he is entirely himself, he generally doesn't see why things ever have to be talked about. If you think about it, most are actually much better if left totally unspoken, and, for preference, also lied about. But he's found that most people either understand this fundamental fact or they don't. And, unfortunately, sometimes even the ones that do feel a need to act against everyone's best interests. And they can be the hardest to stop.

[crab_rangoon]

"Well, I'd rather be fucked up on something more than bad memories and beer, but here we are." He shakes his head. "But I'll admit that this isn't the fucking sort of talk I want to have. Ever. But if we're going to be fucking, then we might as well talk about it."

[everythinglost]

He raises the beer in agreement to that. "Though if you have too much help, you might end up having to have the conversation again, and thus escape can hold it's own traps or something." Or you might decide that there was no reason to have the conversation in the first place and being more fucked up can be useful. But, honestly, he can pretend nothing ever happened on much less than just bad memories and beer. "Using my practically mystical understanding of people, I suspect it's probably not the type of talk I usually love. Though that covers quite a bit."

He's not sure he's physically capable of getting even something like buzzed off beer, but it's nice to have something to drink.

[crab_rangoon]

"Fitz, I am quite sure that if this was the sort of talk either of us loved, we'd have done it already." He takes another long drink, thinks of a cigarette and maybe a bit of rum or vodka or fucking brandy, and glances to his trunk again.

Would that defeat the point of riding the breach bleed?

Fuck.

"And your mystical understanding of people is certainly something to be admired. So talk plainly. And none of your rambling nonsense unless it's particularly interesting. What is this?"

[everythinglost]

Maybe that's actually a sign to be paid attention to and they should get drunk instead. It would be easier. And probably better, too. People are often wrong in thinking that something being hard means it's something necessary. But saying that, well, it gets close to a whole host of stuff he wants to talk about even less.

He'd still prefer to have something harder.

"I have no idea what you could be talking about." There's never any rambling nonsense, and if there was it'd always be particularly interesting. Though this conversation is certainly shaping up to be even worse than he thought it might be. Not that he'd thought about it, not thinking about conversations you don't want to have is how you don't have them. He tilts his head a little, waving between him and Pagan. "You mean, what is this?" Apart from almost physically painful to clarify.

[crab_rangoon]

"Yes," he tells him firmly. "Exactly."

And that's his cue to do something else. Because if he has to endure this conversation any longer, he doesn't want to be in his right mind. Breach bleed be damned. This is the stupidest fucking thing he's ever had to do, so he doesn't know why it's so hard.

Except he does know why it's hard.

And there's not enough alcohol in his room, on this barge, to get him to admit that just yet.

He pours two glasses of gin and hands one to Fitz. "I've found that this helps loosen the tongue."

[everythinglost]

Fitz has done things that are, he can admit, a lot stupider. But at least they're usually also more fun. Or, at the very least, he's drunker.

He's certainly not going to refuse the gin.

"Meanwhile beer can barely be trusted to wet the whistle." Well, if they're going to do this, he knows how to do it his way. He shrugs. "Honestly, I don't know if I've ever gotten into it. I mean, we're friends. We're on decent enough spaceship cruise that might also be an afterlife and is certainly one of the swankier prisons I've had the pleasure of. Mostly free flowing alcohol, close quarters, not the most crowded schedule… It's not even like there's shuffle board at ten."

[crab_rangoon]

"Fitz," Pagan says warningly, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "You know, I've never had the urge to hit you, but I might do it now."

He won't, but he isn't above threatening. He takes a long drink, wishing desperately for something more. Something instant. Something that he doesn't have to wait on. More gin might do the trick.

[everythinglost]

"Really? It comes upon some people very quickly. But I've always suspected that's a 'them' problem. Multiple presidents of entire planets have commented on how I managed to be even less useful in answering questions after. Even if it did make them feel better, emotionally."

He really had tried, but there's only so long he can go without at least a little rambling nonsense. He runs a hand through his hair, before leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees and he looks at Pagan directly.

"I really usually don't - I mean, we're here, right? Why stay in a bad moment?"

[crab_rangoon]

"Fitz," comes another warning note at the ramble. It's not a particularly interesting ramble, so he doesn't want to see it through. Fortunately, it ends before Pagan considers jumping off the railing.

He meets his gaze.

"Because the faster we get through this ridiculous and fucking terrible moment, the faster we can get on with whatever comes next."

[everythinglost]

Fitz raises his hands in something like defeat, though defeat at what isn't necessarily obvious.

"Whatever that's supposed to mean. I don't know, but I feel like I've been the clearer one here, Pagan. What do you think this is?"

[crab_rangoon]

"You are remarkably good at feigning idiocy."

He takes another drink, closing his eyes and leaning back in his chair, sighing. "Or do you truly think- no, no, we're not going to get into that because this is exactly how we get off track."

He looks up, somewhere over his shoulder. "What I think this is- is a mess. A mess that needs to be untangled. Because I am tired, Fitz."

[everythinglost]

"Say feigning a few more times, it's good for the soul."

And that is one of the ways that provides pleasant possibilities to get off track, openings Pagan doesn't seem to want to take despite Fitz still not seeing what he gets from this conversation. Still, he seems determined to have it, so Fitz tries his best. Even if he's skeptical about the whole thing.

He leans in again, focused on Pagan. There are times he's tired, too. Well, there are lots of times he's tired, for a range of reasons so wide it's almost, but not quite, interesting. But there are times when his style of 'relationships' makes him tired. He remembers sitting in a hospital room, not so long ago, trying not to think of the monsters lurking right outside and unable not to think of regrets. You can't pretend not to care forever. But this isn't that sort of wasted opportunity, it's a different situation.

"Maybe it's a little messy. It's hard to keep things totally neat. But it's just -" An escape, a way to be close without going too far, something to do because even Fitz has to sometimes get closer to sober. All true, but probably not the best answer. "I think we're all tired. What do you need, Pagan?"

[crab_rangoon]

He doesn't like where this conversation has gone, but he takes it as punishment for bringing it up in the first place. If he had simply let it be, then he wouldn't be sitting here, having possibly the first really deliberate conversation of his life with his man. And is that better, when he knows that part of his problem is relationships?

He sighs.

What does he need? Seems like an easy answer, but it's far from it. He needs to graduate. He needs his daughter back. He needs to go home and fix everything.

How is this going to get him there?

He takes a breath, watching him.

"I need you to tell me what you feel, hm? And we'll go from there."

[everythinglost]

Fitz tries to think if there's anything about this conversation he doesn't hate. It's good to have something to drink. But he can have something to drink without having awful conversations, so that's a weak attempt at trying to find a positive. Admittedly, trying to find the positive usually isn't something he spends a lot of time on, so he's probably out of practice. Still, he's sure that no one could enjoy this.

Maybe there's a point to not hooking up with someone you're stuck on a boat with, because that makes just diving for the door (the best possible response), awkward. On the other hand, he wouldn't actually do that even if there was a whole city or planet to hide in.

He doesn't have any problems with relationships. But that does mean that when the people he likes ask him for things, it's only right to try to answer. And there's nothing wrong with liking Pagan. It would be worse to hookup with someone he doesn't like. And Fitz likes people. He likes having friends. He likes contact. He doesn't see any need to analyze things that don't have anything to analyze. And he doesn't know what Pagan's looking for, which makes coming up with an answer even harder.

He takes another drink.

He doesn't have any problem talking about what he feels. In situations where you feel things. Like when you're being chased by monsters or locked in a dungeon or enjoying a nice cake. He has lots of feelings that he can express very eloquently. For example, right now he feels deeply uncomfortable. Sometimes he has a positive feeling for a person, sometimes it's a negative one. He's pretty sure he's already covered this.

"Well, I feel kind of weird right now, but I think that's kind of circumstances, don't you? We're friends. I've always thought it's nice to be with someone you know a bit, someone you can talk with. I generally hope things go well for you," there are occasionally exceptions. He shrugs, finishing his glass. "I don't think it's that complicated."

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan regards him for a long moment before standing up and refilling his own glass. And, in that moment, it gets clear. "You know, I told someone once that women love you in the moment. Men love you in hindsight. Only when too much time, or too much distance, has built up can they really mean it." He laughs a bit at himself.

"I can admit my own flaws sometimes, I think. Overcompensating when there was absolutely no need to." He leans over and puts a hand on the other man's cheek gently. It's clear to Pagan now that he had been chasing something that wasn't there. Or at least something that can't be there yet. Something that he desperately wants, but he's never had. And Fitz certainly can't give him that.

And as amusing as it is to continue making him squirm, looking uncomfortable, he knows he can release him now. "Well, that certainly solves everything, doesn't it?" His smile is warm. "I would hate to lose you as a friend and I'm afraid that you might spontaneously combust on me now if I continue to press you on the matter. So we'll call it friends, but I'm afraid we'll need to cut the benefits? Hm? Deal?" He holds out the bottle for him.

[everythinglost]

"Yeah, well, you do talk a lot of shit sometimes, Pagan. I've always thought it's one of the reasons we're friends. I've been told it's actually about socialization, but it seems like they stick almost everything under socialization in the future. I can only hope it's not all true."

He's a lot more relaxed, now that that's over. As relaxed in himself as he ever gets. It leaves Pagan's motives unclear, but in the way Fitz likes: unclear because he carefully isn't going to think about it. Things are better that way.

He takes the bottle raising it in salute.

"Friends. Which, I'll say just this once, is not something that needs a conversation." A person could just say it, no further 'talking' needing to be involved at all. He grins at Pagan, cheerful now that he can start putting that far behind him, and warm with his genuine affection. "And there's no need to ditch someone as a friend unless you start talking about the wonders of sobriety."

[crab_rangoon]

He clutches at his heart. "Why would you say such a thing?" he mutters. "Sobriety? God. My warden doesn't drink, you know? And hey, that's fine for him. It means he keeps a bottle of wine in his room just for me. Or he did, before I drank it all."

He laughs, crossing his legs, feeling much better. Freer.

Is this growth?

Pagan doesn't want to inspect it too closely. "He also lets me use his cabin to watch Gordon Ramsay."

[everythinglost]

"Hey, not drinking is fine. Talking about not drinking is a cruel tactic for making people flee when you could just throwing bricks at them or something else more civilized. It's important to keep up personal standards."

Now they're not talking about stuff Fitz would rather never be talked about, he feels great. That's one thing to be said for extreme discomfort, even if he'd rather avoid it altogether.

"That's one of those cooking shows, right?"

[crab_rangoon]

"It is. You should join us one day. It's absolute trash. He goes to restaurants that are rubbish and tells them exactly how rubbish they are. And then makes him change by yelling profanities at them for an hour."

Pagan laughs and leans back. "It's great fun."

[everythinglost]

"That sounds like a lot of fun. As long as the profanities are creative enough." Whatever people think, he has standards. "I always enjoy cooking shows, most places you go you can usually pick one up and no matter how weird it is, just need a couple minutes before you can start confidently judging people for failing to do stuff you would never bother with. House shows are also pretty good, but those I like to have more background with the cultural shit to be absolutely sure that they're as appalling as I know they always are."

He shakes his head.

"Fun outside barbeque and large patio for people to gather in pure white. These people are insane."

[crab_rangoon]

Pagan takes another drink, scoffing. Creative. Gordon Ramsay is the master. But he doesn't say a word about it.

He just brushes his fingers through his hair and crosses his legs.

"House shows? What the fuck is that?"