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[everythinglost]

Call for a good time

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[everythinglost]

"I have no idea what type of ship that is, but definitely wouldn't be let past the starting line so any promise of getting your hands on enlightenment was a lie. Which it usually is, so perhaps that's fair."

'Unmaking' doesn't strike at any memory, instead he makes a clearly fake effort to put a shocked look over his grin.

"Why, Kirei, are you telling me an upright young man like yourself partook in potentially illicit substances?"

[unknownjoy]

Kirei goes quiet, obviously debating whether or not to admit it. Which is itself a sort of admission.

He looks back at Fitz. This is the one person he'll tell.

"It was a tincture made from dead mouse juice. The mage I got it from called it 'madness.'"

[everythinglost]

Fitz holds up a finger.

"First, isn't that just mouse blood? Actually, wait, don't share any other ingredients, I don't want to know. Second, did you have a good time?"

[unknownjoy]

"He mentioned something about a powder, so I pictured it desiccated, ground up, and heated. But I can't be sure and didn't think to ask."

Because he was high.

"It made me think about things differently than usual. I think I felt peaceful? I'm not sure. But I also hallucinated scenes of death and destruction."

It's disgusting, of course. He's disgusting.

But the drug got rid of all the guilt he normally feels.

[everythinglost]

"That's less disgusting than I was imagining, thankfully."

He nods.

"That's normal. When I got high it was all that sort of imagery and also me dying horribly. Anyway, sounds like it wasn't too bad. A little bit of altered consciousness isn't a bad thing. It can make other people way less annoying, just to start."

[unknownjoy]

That's reassuring. Fitz isn't the most reliable gauge for what's acceptable, but he's at least closer to normal than Kirei.

"People don't normally annoy me, but I agree some moderate drug use is okay as long as it's done responsibly."

He looks down, almost saying more about the experience and how it seems to have completely neutralized whatever instinctive flailing kept him clinging to faith and morality all these years.

"I have to tell you something else," he says instead.

[everythinglost]

"That's the spirit. Though, please, try to find someone a bit more reputable to get stuff from. There's a reason it's better when drugs are legal, it's so dead mice aren't involved."

Fitz's patented responsible advice.

"Beyond your partying? What else?"

[unknownjoy]

"I wasn't partying..."

He represses a sigh and focuses. He doesn't have to do this. He could, he should be a good friend and spare Fitz's feelings.

"There was another version of you there. He knew about you and said you were a copy."

[everythinglost]

Fitz could make a joke about Kirei not being willing to use a broad definition, but he settles on focusing on the second part.

"Oh yeah?" The casual skepticism looks very close to real. After all, the line between real and fake is often blurred when it comes to the emotions Fitz purposefully shows. "And what state were you in, exactly, when you met this guy?"

[unknownjoy]

Kirei doesn't smile, but there is a tiny 'spark' to his eyes that isn't normally there. "I was sober. It was near the beginning, long before I tried any 'madness.'"

He has no idea why he didn't do drugs sooner. Hell, he should've tried them long before the Brig. It seems like the obvious solution to feeling empty inside, but even now he has no intention of further experimentation—with drugs at least.

"He spoke very poorly of you and said you were a broken robot."

[everythinglost]

That probably rules out trying to convince Kirei it never happened. Fitz is willing to put in focused effort in making people doubt their own experiences, but that's when he thinks he has a chance. It was also a chance for Kirei to decide not to do this.

Fitz wouldn't necessarily say that he thinks Kirei is overly self-aware, at least not in some important details, but he does think he has a clear awareness of other people. He doesn't believe that Kirei goes through life unaware of such things. He might even say that he thinks Kirei can spend too much time using that awareness as an unreasonable comparison.

But, right now, what that means is he's certain this is purposeful. He folds his arms, doing his best to pull up an extra level of uninterested semi-detachment.

"That's the problem with going around saving planets and having cool adventures, the jealousy can just consume people."

[unknownjoy]

Kirei can well imagine the existential vertigo and discomfiture of being a clone. He can even relate to being evil (or more evil, in his case) in another timeline, but 'empathy' only tends to encourage his sadism. That's why, though someone probably should talk to Fitz about all this, it shouldn't be him. His intentions aren't pure, and they never will be, no matter what he does.

"He'd traveled too, but his problem was that it ended badly," he says and leans lazily on the deck's railing. "Aren't you worried you'll meet the same fate?"

Fitz probably doesn't have enough self-respect to care, which is why he's friends with Kirei.

[everythinglost]

Fitz has pure intentions far more often than he'd admit, but not so often that he doesn't think it's perfectly possible to lack pure intentions and still not be a complete dick about things. At least it doesn't sound like Kirei knows some of the more important details.

He hates the other Fitz, not that he likes to think of him like that. He's terrified of his fate - the part where he's left behind less than the being evil. But he refuses to let himself get lost in that. Not here and now.

He scoffs.

"I'm pretty sure I know a lot more about his 'problems' than you do. Most of them he brought on himself, and are easy for me to avoid. Which is more embarrassing for him."

[unknownjoy]

"Evil is embarrassing," he agrees.

He's skeptical that Fitz's confidence about being able to avoid it is entirely warranted, even if he avoids the mistakes of the other Fitz. He could be redeemed and turn 'good' or stay neither good nor evil like he is now, but there's also the possibility he'll make own original mistakes—which would neither prove nor disprove that he's any different from the other Fitz. Anyone can succumb to dark impulses, and it's one of Kirei's few comforts.

"I didn't mean that, though. At least not entirely," he explains. "He told me the Doctor abandoned him and replaced him with you. I won't take a story like that at face value without hearing both sides, but if it's true he did it once, he could do it again."

[everythinglost]

"That's what I meant."

Evil is embarrassing, yes, and Fitz doesn't see it as coming with enough to recommend it to outweigh that embarrassment. He has some of the same feelings about being 'good', though at least he has seen people who manage that who aren't fully embarrassing, but they're less self-conscious types then he is. But, while perhaps he should, he doesn't really care that the other (first) Fitz had going with his worst impulses.

"He's still sticking with that story, huh? What actually happened is that he died, and I was there and needed help. That's not replacement, and it's not the Doctor's fault he didn't know that he was in a death cult." Both complete lies, but said with full conviction. "It's also not the Doctor's fault that he decided to go off and be evil about it instead of stopping by and having a conversation."

[unknownjoy]

His eyes narrow. He knows Fitz is a habitual liar, so it's just a matter of determining whether this is him lying to himself or deliberately lying to Kirei, and whether these are complete lies or lies with shades of truth. Either way, it makes absolutely no sense.

"What do you mean he died and you were there? Did he really die, or are you saying the Doctor thought he died and somehow made you on accident?" It sounds ridiculous, but that seems pretty par for the course for Fitz's world. He still doesn't believe the Doctor is actually as earnestly oblivious as Fitz is making him sound.

"And why did he say you were programmed to be loyal to the Doctor?"

[everythinglost]

"We - he was taken hostage by the secret, evil part of the UN's security services." He hates separating them out like this, when the memories are his, too, but, right now, it's more important to construct the story. "Which made him a lot luckier than the Doctor, who was being tortured while this whole 'thing' was happening. Anyway, he got kidnapped by the time traveling death cult and they made - clones is the simplest way to put it. The Doctor rescued me, and would've helped him if he hadn't been dead. Which we didn't know he could come back from."

Large parts of that are true, even if not necessarily arranged in the most 'accurate' way. But no one needs to know about Kode. Besides, if you look at it from the right perspective, the other (first) Fitz had died and the Doctor had only given Fitz his memories and appearance, which isn't the same as having made him.

He raises an eyebrow. "Because he's part of an evil cult?"

[unknownjoy]

Kirei listens closely. It's a reasonably coherent narrative, at least by the standards of Fitz's universe, but that in itself is a little suspicious. Reality is messy and chaotic, and while he's refraining from judging the Doctor, what he's heard from both Anji and the other Fitz (as well as his own cynicism) tarnishes the angelic halo Fitz paints around him.

"He still has his own perspective. He was evil, but not unreasonable. Talking to him wasn't that different from talking to you."

He was waiting for an opportunity to bring that up.

[everythinglost]

Fitz likes turning experiences into stories, even when he's offering a more honest retelling. Reality is painful and bloody and he prefers to keep at a remove, even if only in memory. And if it's just in memory, why shouldn't it go as he'd prefer to have gone? Especially when he's the only person left to remember it.

"I'm sure he does. Evil people often do, and the ones that do things like, for example, try to recruit people to their evil cult can manage not to sound completely unreasonable. So they can recruit people." The slow and clear method of speaking to someone who might have trouble following simple concepts. The last part does not need to be acknowledged, so he sees no reason to.

[unknownjoy]

"That's what I mean," Kirei says straightening from his slouched position against the railing. The look on his face is almost animated.

"He used that same tone to make a point. If you were more ambitious, perhaps you could start a cult and recruit people as well."

[everythinglost]

"And if you let go of the petty trappings of certain basic activities being 'wrong', maybe you'd manage to find some hobbies that offer you the slightest interest in life instead of having to rely on being a dick."

[unknownjoy]

"I'm sorry, Fitz." No, he's not. "What I said is true, but I should clarify that I like you better."

It's not a lie, but that doesn't mean it's not manipulative.

"I don't believe what he said about you being a broken robot either, but if you were, I wouldn't mind since I'm broken too."

[everythinglost]

Fitz doesn't believe that he's sorry, but that's not the part that matters. He doesn't lose his defensiveness, but that's only in rare moments, anyway.

"You're not broken, or if you are, it's not like you're alone there." He shrugs. "So, you like hurting other people and feel empty inside. I'm pretty sure there's a whole cottage industry, there. You're fucked up, and pay attention to the wrong parts, but that's different."

[unknownjoy]

He shakes his head. "I don't need reassurance, nor want it. I only said that in case you see yourself that way too—the way the other Fitz described—and were worried."

He crosses his arms.

"Do you consider us friends?"

[everythinglost]

"It's not reassurance, it's a point against your drama."

Fitz uncrosses his arms to rub his chin. He hasn't consciously thought about the question before.

"I suppose so. I don't have anything against you and you're not bad company," he shrugs, as he figures it's not a terrible explanation and doesn't admit to too much.